[The Listserve] Oblivion
"My first Listserve entry was posted on March 27, 2016 ("Methoxetamine + Dipropyltryptamine: Where Do We Go From Here?").
Well, where I went was the hospital, about 10 months later.
Methoxetamine is an arylcyclohexylamine, a cousin of Ketamine and PCP. They are dissociative anesthetics - drugs that disconnect your consciousness from your senses.
At the time I wrote my first entry, I hadn't had many negative consequences from using these drugs. I used them in very small doses to treat my depression, and sometimes in large doses to induce spiritual experiences like the one I wrote about. Over the course of a year, my use grew more and more irresponsible and unhealthy. About 5 months ago, I took too much O-PCE, 3-MeO-PCP, and Etizolam and completely anesthetized myself. This was, to put it mildly, concerning to my wife so she took me to the emergency room.
I got several responses to my last entry, mostly along the lines of "sounds like you're looking for something in the wrong place." I was like, "Fuck you Dr. Officer, this /is/ what I'm looking for." One writer said something that has stuck with me: "Dissociatives? Why not try associatives? Family, friends, fellowship." This made me recoil violently in a way I have learned to recognize as a sign that I am in denial.
One of the hosts of Dopey Podcast reached out and we stayed in contact. That show helped me realize that recovery is a beautiful thing, something to treasure and be proud of. I have been sober since Jan 26, 2017, and I have Chris and Dave to thank for inspiring me to get on this road. Seriously, check out the show.
Drugs are not bad. Demonizing and warring against drugs is counterproductive. In the hands of people who are acting out of fear, loneliness, or hopelessness, drugs can amplify the hurt and dig a deeper hole. But the danger lies in the intention, not the substance. I have had many beautiful drug experiences that opened my heart and helped me grow. I treated those experiences like sacraments, and my intentions were good. But I began to put all of my spiritual eggs in that basket. I was on a noble quest for spiritual fulfillment, but I kept it out of reach on the other side of the psychedelic veil. Then I thought, "Fuck it, I'mma stay on this side of the veil. Oh, check out this pool of oblivion. Let's dive in."
I think real fulfillment is only available through completely engaging in "reality 1.0," AKA "reality classic," AKA "the grind," AKA "the way," AKA "the tao," AKA "what sisyphus does on his way back down to get the boulder." I'll be damned if it's not a pain in the ass, though.
Oh, and to everyone who wastes their listserve submissions on trite cliches: suck it from the back.